What does it really mean to be easygoing ?!

Is it temperament or a highly developed coping skill ?

Well, fall has officially kicked my ass with back to school schedules, kids activities and life. Zapping my brain space ! But I still have thoughts circulating in there ! 🤪

I know I write about this a lot, but what's on my mind in particular lately, is this idea of "easy ."

How life just looks easier for some .

And what does it mean to be easy or easy-going?

Or maybe even on a bigger scale  why do we value short cuts and “easy” so much in this society ?

Ways to avoid the hard and just slide right into easy.

I don't think I've ever chosen the  easy path for myself. Not purposefully of course .

If there's a harder way to do it, I'll find it. The phrase "work smarter not harder" does not apply to me.

And I know now as an adult and with all of my research and understanding that a lot of that has to do with being a strong willed, highly sensitive individual.

I learn by doing, and I learn doing things my way, which involves a lot of trial and error and tears . My emotions and gumption make it all more challenging  for sure.

And then naturally once I figure it out I might stick to it stubbornly . Why try a new easier  way when I've mastered the hard way ?!

When I had my first baby, I expected things to be "easier" , foolishly of course. I expected to read the books and do the things and magically it would all work .

But alas my baby had other plans . Whatever the standard advice was just never worked.

I didn't have the baby that just sat there or slept through the night, like ever. She was crawling out of my arms on to a table while other kids sat in their high chair. She was waking in the middle of the night breaking free of her swaddle and chatting and playing, requiring my constant presence to stay and go back to sleep while other children were magically soothed by that perfect swaddle contraption and white noise machine.

Neither of us were broken , it's how she and I are built .

For her she’s highly intelligent, highly sensitive and just needed more . If I’m going to toot my own horn , same , haha.

By my second child I  was able to let go of the standard parenting protocols and lean into my strong willed children's nature . Although arguably the  second child was just naturally a better sleeper and a little more "easy going". The easy going escaped her body as soon as she turned 3, so it all levels out .😂

Parenting babies, toddlers , young adolescents , none of it has been easy or by the book.

Just like me, with both of my children everything had and has to be done their own way.

Would I have it any other way ? No. But it has me thinking about this myth of the easygoing baby, child or adult  .

Who are they ?

Well I have had them in my office. And yes some are very much just good natured and even keeled temperament folk by nature .

But often times the person that presents in therapy as easy going is in fact a deep well of emotion and turmoil.

When we dig deeper, the easy-going persona was a subconscious  coping skill developed in response to an often chaotic home environment.

These individuals were easy as a way to not rock the boat, to keep the peace or to keep the family together.

By being easy, they made themselves small and invisible.

They subjugated their own needs because perhaps the caretakers were subconsciously communicating to them that they could not handle them.

We often call these kids parentified children . They switch roles with the parent and are often overly competent, mature, responsible and compliant.

And the work is often getting them in touch with those parts of themselves that they pushed down or minimized to make other people happy.

The mature overly responsible good natured parts that developed as a means to take care of emotionally messy caregivers.

So in this sense, easy going is reframed as people pleasing.

Caveat here… we all engage in some people pleasing. It is not pathological to want to make those around you happy.

But if you find yourself sitting on your feelings and needs and wants because you are constantly afraid of making someone else upset or being abandoned in the relationship , then yeah that's something to explore a bit deeper .

For myself, I know I don't want easy. Although on hard days I certainly fantasize about it . Deep down I know I want to raise kids that feel safe to express themselves .

That can tell a friend how they feel , that can communicate when something doesn't feel right. That can carve out their own path even if it’s a bit messy and hard .

And for myself I also want to carve out my own  path whether it's a socially accepted easy one or more likely a challenging one .

And for you and for clients , I don't want to see you make yourself small .

I want my sensitive friends to let their hard and sensitives, however they present , to shine and lead the way. To let their feelings out and voices be heard. To not be easy for the sake of being easy.

Not to dim that  light and make themselves small.

So yeah things could be easier , I could have those kids that blindly listen to me and do not challenge me . I could be the person that learns that hard lesson or meditates away my worries and is less bothered .

But why would I want  to be her ? And why would you ?!